I Don't Have All the Answers Only Because There are Too Many Questions
(The Theater of Your Mind, Inc., Feb. 6, 2017)
Enlightening”, “funny,” “relatable,” “too true,” “laugh-out-loud funny,” and “right on the mark,” are some of the ways people describe the humor of author and podcast host Jay Douglas.Whether he's talking about the ridiculous goings-on in every day life (like the sudden epidemic of efficiency in government offices) or offering helpful advice (like the importance of knowing the words to *A Teddy Bear's Picnic* if you're serious about pub quizzes) this book has many answers to some of life's more pressing and elusive questions. For exampleQ: What is the role of the DMV in society?A: Without our government we, the people, would be responsible for doing some pretty disgusting jobs.In fact, some of these jobs are so disgusting that the framers of the Constitution were scared they would be stuck with them. So, the framers wrote the 10th Amendment and, in the words of many distinguished Constitutional scholars, foisted these jobs off on the states.That is why the Federal government gets to play video games with real airplanes while the states get to remove giant hair balls from sewer pipes.States also have the job of reminding you that you are getting old.Since no self-respecting state legislator, and I've asked both of them, would vote for a law called the "Tell People They Are Getting Old Act," states meet this obligation with the cleverly named "Driver's License Renewal Act.”Q: Why do stores have self-checkout aisles?A: A local home improvement warehouse (I can't mention the name, but you would immediately recognize it, mainly because it's printed on everyone's orange aprons) has found a way to spare us men the agony of home repair.All we need to do is take our wives shopping with us and make sure we pay in the self-service checkout line.This amazing advance in retail science is a way for highly-placed corporate executives to assure other highly-placed corporate executives that their company is a happening, high-tech, cutting-edge business that sells exciting products like claw hammers, whose designs haven't changed since the invention of hair.Q: Why are airports so frustrating?A: Despite all its vastness, it is a matter of fact, as indisputable as the lips on a chicken, that there is one point in the universe where everybody winds up.And that point is in an airport, in front of, next to or underneath some sign.As notable a fellow as Einstein took time to point out the problem of unchecked signage in a footnote to his theory of relativity. He wrote, "Man cannot travel faster than the speed of light because there will always be a sign someplace he will stop to read.(Einstein was also first to propose the theory of six degrees of separation, which states, "In any airport you will always be separated from where you want to be by at least six people all reading the same sign.) Each story takes only a few minutes to read (but give yourself a little extra time to stop laughing), and is a perfect antidote for those moments of melancholy that follow on the heels of reading the morning's news.In e-book format, the book is discrete (from a distance it is impossible to tell it apart from *Lord of the Flies*). All words in the book are waterproof and can be safely taken into the bathroom (your ebook reader, however, may have other ideas).