The Purple Cow
Frank Gelett Burgess
MP3 CD
(IDB Productions, March 15, 2019)
The Purple Cow THE PECULIAR HISTORY OF THE CHEWING-GUM MAN. O Willie, an' Wallie, an' Huldy Ann, They went an' built a big CHEWIN'-GUM MAN: It was none o' your teenty little dots, With pinhole eyes an' pencil-spots; But this was a terribul big one--well, 'T was a'most as high as the Palace Hotel! It took 'em a year to chew the gum!! And Willie he done it all, 'cept some That Huldy got her ma to chew, By the time the head was ready to do. Well, Willie he chewed it for days 'n' days; They brung it to him in gret big drays; An' fast as he got it good an' soft, Then Wallie he come and carried it oft. Then he'd roll it into a gret big ball, An' he made a-more'n a MILLION in all! Then Huldy Ann she spanked 'em flat An' pinched an' poked, an' the like o' that, Till she got it inter a gret big hunk-- My! didn't Huldy have the spunk! And then she sliced one end half-way To make the laigs ('cause they never stay When you stick 'em on in a seprit piece-- Seems like the ends was made o' grease); And she slit an arm right up each side,-- I couldn't a done it if I'd a tried! O' course, her brothers they helped her, though, An' rolled the arms an' laigs out, so They all was smooth with roundin' bends An' chopped the fingers inter the ends! An' when their mother had chewn the head, She went an' stuck it on, instead!